Cookie #2344

Seek medical attention immediately.  Right after that, seek psychiatric help.

Cookie #1765

Your drive and ambition will put you ahead of about a third of the pack.

Cookie #2357

The newly purchased underwear will cause the wedgie; stick with the proven undergarments.

Cookie #2356

The wise man smiles even as he contemplates his futile existence.

Cookie #5465

You continue to underestimate the offensiveness of your remarks.

Cookie #6235

Sexual ambiguity will take you far, but probably not all the way.

Cookie #2355

The wages of sin don't keep pace with inflation.

Cookie #4532

Your ancestors watch even as you perform life's most embarrassing acts.

Cookie #2352

Don't leave the house.

Cookie #567

Your ankles will swell unattractively.

Cookie #2353

You are well versed at the art of oversharing.

Cookie #2348

Appease your enemies lest you suffer humiliation and death.

Cookie #2342

Pride goeth before the cocktail weiner.

Cookie #2351

Excellence is overrated; seek the soft path of leisure.

Cookie #2350

Not even the strongest deodorant cannot conceal the stench of evil.  Shower more frequently.

Cookie #2354

Why not let the ennui overtake you?  Why would it even matter?

Cookie #2349

You will experience sexual dysfunction. Just ride it out.

Cookie #2347

This has all been a dream.  You are still 5 years old.

Cookie #2339

Your determination to persevere in the face of pre-ordained failure is baffling.

Cookie #3456

You will be an unwitting accomplice in the annihilation of common decency.

Cookie #2338

Naked pictures of you are available on the internet.  They do not receive many hits.

Cookie #2336

Why cling to high principles when your honor is long since tarnished?

Cookie #2337

You will satisfy your ambitions vicariously through the lives of your children.

Cookie #2335

Painful urination is the sign of a vital and active lifestyle.

Cookie #2346

To succeed you must crush the ambitions of your peers.

Cookie #2343

You must learn to take the crunchy with the smooth.

Cookie #2333

You will never win the lottery.  Your lucky numbers are 7,56,19,23,47 and 38.

Cookie #2340

Prospective mates are hesitant to approach you; offer sexual favors more freely.

Cookie #6783

It is prudent to use two methods of birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy.  You'll soon wish you had.

Cookie #2341

Your superiors will quickly recognize your usefulness as a scapegoat.

Cookie #2332

Take advantage of opportunities for insurance fraud.

Cookie #3512

You are renowned for your dependence on prescription painkillers.